Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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