Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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