I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I love you.
Bad choice
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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