Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
