We're facebook friends in real life
dude i'm inner monologue high
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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