I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
