I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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