Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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