I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
