Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
