At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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