I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
