it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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