he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's rum buckets o'clock
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
