Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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