So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Randomize
