The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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