Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
