either way he was missing a nipple.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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