god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
