I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
