On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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