I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
