ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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