The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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