I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
