I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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