I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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