my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
