Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Sober January is a disaster.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
