I want to stick my p in your. b.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
