My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
