Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
