I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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