The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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