I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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