nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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