If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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