Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
