You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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