So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
