sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
