Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
