i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
