Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
