Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
