The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
