I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
