I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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