I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
